| 09 January 2012
This morning I'm thankful that I have interests beyond Ole Miss athletics.
I have a wife who loves me, four adorable children, Eli Manning, Tim Tebow and the NFL Playoffs, and a BCS Championship Game featuring the most anticipated rematch ever - LSU vs. Alabama - awaits when I get home tonight. I'm thankful for having these outside interests because a life centered around Ole Miss sports these last two years would be no life at all. The Clarion Ledger's Hugh Kellenberger wrote this morning what I and the rest of you out there had already been thinking after witnessing the annihilation at Baton Rouge where LSU basketball humiliated the Rebels 81-55 on Saturday. The game was over just after it started and the Tigers led by 20 at halftime. If it wouldn't have been called walking LSU would have taken a knee with five minutes to play.
"It's scary," Kellenberger wrote, "but the basketball season is starting to look like the just-completed football campaign."
And the nightmare continues.
What is it about the Red and Blue uniform that sucks the life/talent/desire to win out of people? This is the mystery I would like to solve today. It must be something... Perhaps it's time to think about some changes in Oxford to reverse this huge problem. Hold on Dan Jones, don't go off and fire the basketball coach. While Kennedy's time may well be short in Oxford, firing the coach is not what I'm talking about here. And no, while Pete Boone shares plenty of blame in the catastrophe that is currently Ole Miss sports, I'm not talking about changing athletic directors, either. Plus that's already been done, hasn't it? HASN'T IT!?
/remembers Boone is still the athletic director
/stares for several minutes at computer monitor
/watches as a lone tear rolls off cheek and lands with soft splash on keyboard
/sighs deeply
No, I'm not talking about firing anybody. The changes I'm talking about are deeper than simply firing people. Ole Miss has fired almost every coach it ever had and to what avail? I'm talking about changes that are much more drastic. Real change. Barack Obama style change... Okay, not Obama style change. Real change. It's time people.
Changes to help Ole Miss stop sucking all the time:
1. Relocate Ole Miss to Biloxi - It's obvious that winning and Oxford just don't mix. Good food, lovely atmosphere, and small-town quaint apparently aren't the ingredients for perennial winning records. The coast is where it's at - Casinos, beaches, fried shrimp and hush puppies....and New Orleans is just a short drive away. It'd be great!
2. Change the colors - While red and blue works great for the U.S.A. and the New York Giants, it's quite frankly killing Ole Miss. Let's try something different. How about Crimson and Gold? They seem to work for Alabama and LSU. Why not?
3. Name Change - Ole Miss sounds old. Maybe it makes the players feel old, too? Let's try New South. Go New South!
4. New Mascot - Whoops. Already tried that.
5. Landscaping - Maybe it's time to tear down the Grove. Those trees aren't good for anything but shade to protect your cooler from the sun. Ole Miss needs to liven things up a bit. Think how much brighter the place would be if we cut down all those giant old oak trees and called it, "The Lawn". Install a swimming pool and we could bring beach towels instead of tents. Sounds great right? Maybe even put a putting green or two out there. This idea has legs.
6. Gender Segregation - This will be difficult for some of you, but the whole "We're the school with the pretty girls," image just isn't winning any games. Pretty girls gets you one thing - lots of drunk guys chasing pretty girls. It may also be damaging the focus of the football and basketball team, neither of which are very good at scoring points anymore. It's time to make Ole Miss, or New South, whatever you want to call it, an All Boys School. We'll call it New South School for Men.
7. Ban Alcohol - It's time for Lafayette County to be dry again. I'm assuming it was dry at some point, otherwise the archaic "No Cold Beer" rule is simply asinine. Less beer and liquor might help the Ole Miss team shoot straighter and put a little more pep in the football team's step. Hey, it's just an idea.
8. Ban Chicken Fingers - Oxford is known for some great chicken, thanks to Chevron's Chicken on a Stick and Abner's, but I'm now convinced that fried foods are clogging the arteries of Ole Miss athletics. No more chicken fingers in Oxford. Sorry broke college student with the munchies at 1 a.m. Chevron's only serving Pizza Sticks from here on out.
9. No More Drugs - Speakings of the munchies (shout out to Dundrecous Nelson!), it may be time to institute a new rule on all the sports teams. I call it - Don't Do Drugs. This may seem revolutionairy, but I have a working theory that Pot and being good in sports don't necessarily go hand in hand. Let's give it a try sports teams, whaddayasay?
10. Cheat More - Lastly, it may be time to start cheating more. I'm not sure who is currently in charge of cheating at Ole Miss, but whoever it is is obviously doing a terrible job. In fact, they should be fired. There hasn't been any decent cheating in quite a long time in Oxford and it's really starting to show. It could be that all our cheaters have just gotten old, and Ole Miss needs to look outside for some fresh blood. Maybe hire some people from these other schools that cheat better. The Good Ole Boy cheaters just don't cheat worth a durn anymore.
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